Things are going better, inshAllah

Alhamdulillah, after a long period of stress, I begin to feel better.
I am just loving the X-mass atmosphere...I can't wait to meet my parents and brother again. I miss them and I miss my country.
But I don't know why, every year I have a weird feeling about new year's eve.
When midnight strikes the usual feeling of discomfort takes over. I guess it is the fear of the unknown...of a new beginning ....we never know if the coming year will be better or worse than the year before...I really do not understand why would people celebrate the end of the year? Is it because they look forward to move on with their lives and they hope the new year will bring them good things?
I personally feel always sorry when a year ends...I get attached to it LOL
and for every new year's eve I am one year older!
Then again, maybe what we celebrate is that we are still alive, a little bit like a birthday...
still here, same old me, just a tiny bit older.
This 2010 has been good to me. I have done crazy things...I got married, I moved back to good old Sweden and brought my husband with me.
Talking of which, since he bought this new guitar, he has drawn a lot of attention.
He is a very good player and people begin to notice him. I am so glad.
It seems he maybe has found a metal band to join, let's see what happens.
He is really burning to play live...and he deserves the best, he is really good at what he does, he has a great stage presence, great skills and he lives and breathes metal.
He needs to get on a stage and show people what a good show is! He rocks!
He is so full of dreams...I have a feeling they will soon come true...I wish that to him, just like mine came true when I was more or less his age and now it is time for him to taste the same.
Lately I have re-discovered the pleasure of reading.
I have been reading a lot, especially at night, before going to bed.
It is such a good way to switch off from the world and forget about everybody and everything. I have been reading "L' isola del giorno prima" which in english is called " The island of the day before" by Umberto Eco, my favorite italian writer. An awesome book...philosophical, historical and just brilliant.
I really love his style...every sentence is so well written I just wanna clap my hands with admiration for every word I read...so well chosen...I even learned a lot from this book.
I have almost finished it now, next I plan on getting " Il Pendolo di Foucault" (english title: "Foucalt's pendulum"  from the same author. I heard it is a masterpiece!
I have no doubt and can't wait to read it.
Here is a cute picture of me I took today. I look so young on it I just love it. Alhamdulillah!

Sweet lovely carillon

I feel much better.
My husband is finally back into my arms...I feel reborn. I was missing his presence so much, it feels like I am finally able to live and breathe again.
I had forgotten how good it feels to have someone you love waking up next to you in the morning and how good it feels to come back from work and find him there, all happy to see me again. His hugs are the best and warmest.
I love the X-mas atmospheres, all the bright lights in the street, the snow, the cold weather. It feels so lovely, so special. For some reason I love december much more than january. It is like I want to hold on to the year that is about to pass...a new beginning is always scary, you never know if the year to come will be better or worse than the year before. According to the gemini horoscope for 2011 it seems it will be a great year for us on many levels, a remarkable year. Will I get pregnant and have my first son? That would be something remarkable! I truly cant wait to be a mom.
I love children so much!
Today we went to Åhlens, a shop that sells all kinds of things, from clothes, to make up, to books and things for the house...I saw so many beautiful things and I started to imagine what our future house would look like...all the things that I could buy and match...
I always wanted a charming and cozy home, some kind of romantic little villa or even country cottage, with lots of white, pink and black things...elegant but simple, with white vases with red roses and flowers and plants by the windows...silver candlelights, elegant engraved silverwear...old style knitted wool blankets, carpets and big mirrors with elegant carved wooden frames...a big comfortable bed with satin sheets ...and a garden of course
ahhh how far are we to reach this dream?
I just can't wait!
Anyway, while we were at Åhlens I totally fell in love with this snowglobe with an angel in it...oh it was so charming! I discovered it even was a carrillon, even expensive, I started to play it and hahahah we got shocked: the melodies were totally off key!
Let's say it was totally creepy to hear these x-mas songs distorted that way, we even thought we should buy it and use it in Dreamlike Horror!
But hey, I want a discount, because this carillon is not tuned right! :)
I want it I want I want it...it is too charming!
Here is a video of it...

It is a dry world we live in

Dry like a dead leaf fallen from its tree.
Waiting for time, wind and insects to disintegrate it little by little. Waiting for a foot to step on it and break it into smaller fragments.
You give and give and they are all ready to take...they take it all, all they can. And what is left for you? Nothing but sadness, that bitter feeling of never getting anything back, the realization that no matter what you do and how trustworthy you are, your efforts are never paid back. So much indifference, so much dryness of spirit and heart.
Sometimes I wish I was the only inhabitant of this world. I wish I was on a desolated island in the middle of a ocean, me being the only living creature, aside from trees, fruits and vegetables which would provide for my own nourishment.
Being this alone at least would ease the pain of being let down: at least there is absolutely no one but myself to count on. At least I would have only me.
It feels like I am always struggling alone, I am stuck into a situation where if it is not me fighting with teeth and claws to survive, noone comes to rescue or help, no one is in it with me. I am not satisfied of the life I lead right now.
I wish better for myself, I want better things, I deserve BETTER things.
But no one understands. I am alone. I am so alone in a sea of emptiness and indiffence.